September Book of the Month
Bert Hellinger’s On Life & Other Paradoxes
A Touchstone for Therapists and Students
Bert Hellinger’s name is synonymous with family constellations, the therapeutic method he pioneered to reveal hidden patterns in family systems. But in On Life & Other Paradoxes: Aphorisms and Little Stories (2002), Hellinger does something different: he distills his decades of experience into sayings, parables, and reflections. The text moves between meditation and paradox, with each page inviting the reader to see healing from a different perspective.
A Voice Shaped by Many Traditions
Hellinger’s path into psychotherapy was not linear. After nearly 20 years as a priest and missionary in South Africa, he turned toward psychology by drawing on psychoanalysis, Gestalt therapy, hypnotherapy, and systemic family therapy. Out of this blend his distinctive approach emerged: family constellations. With this method, clients physically position representatives of family members to bring unresolved traumas and relational dynamics into view. What often surfaces are hidden entanglements with guilt, belonging, and exclusion that have rippled through generations and shaped their present experience.
Inside the Book
Hellinger shifts between brief thoughts and illustrative stories. At times he offers compact reflections, like:
“To experience means perceiving what is. We step into the sun, and already it is light.”
This line reminds us that life unfolds whether or not we notice it, and invites us to slow down long enough to take in what is right before us.
Elsewhere, Hellinger turns to vivid imagery. In one metaphor, a caged polar bear continues to pace within invisible boundaries long after it has been released…an image of how early wounds can continue to confine us even after the original threat is gone. In a parable, a man trudges through life carrying a heavy stone on his back, unaware he could simply set it down...an illustration of how unrecognized burdens, often inherited from previous generations, weigh on the present until they are consciously released.
Order, Limits, and Freedom
One of the recurring themes in On Life & Other Paradoxes is expressed in Hellinger’s line:
“Intrinsic order is the acknowledgment of limits.”
For Hellinger, acknowledging limits is what creates order. Parents are parents, children are children. The living and the dead each have their place. No one, however difficult or shameful, can truly be excluded from the family system. When these boundaries are denied, disorder and entanglements ripple through generations. But when they are respected, balance is restored, and freedom becomes possible.
For example, a child relieved of adult burdens can return to the lighter role of being a child, and a family that welcomes back an excluded member regains wholeness. In Hellinger’s view, freedom is not boundlessness but belonging…the release that comes when order and limits are embraced rather than resisted.
Reading for Reflection
Most of the adages or stories in this book can be read in under a minute yet can linger in the mind for hours. It’s a contemplative supplement that can help therapists sharpen their perception.
At times, the language is deliberately paradoxical or cryptic, which may frustrate readers looking for straightforward guidance. Yet, as Hellinger himself suggests in the preface, the point is not to explain but to let the words work on you. For practicing clinicians, this is both a challenge and a gift: it requires slowing down, resisting the urge to systematize, and engaging more intuitively.
Reflection: Lessons for Practice
Perceiving What Is: Hellinger repeatedly urges therapists to see without judgment, offering direct invitations to meet reality as it is.
Belonging and Acknowledgment: Many passages stress the importance of giving every family member…whether alive, deceased, excluded, or shamed…a rightful place.
The Discipline of Letting Be: He urges therapists to let go of over-explanation. Healing, he reminds us, often begins where interpretation ends.
Love and Order: The book’s final sections on “statements of empowerment” read almost like vows or blessings, offering language therapists might adapt to help clients honor bonds, grieve losses, and move forward.
Ericksonian Resonances
Both Hellinger and Erickson valued pragmatism over rigid theory and placed emphasis on what truly facilitates healing rather than adherence to dogma. Hellinger’s use of parables and paradox mirrors Erickson’s strategic use of stories and metaphors…each offering clients new frames through which to perceive reality. Hellinger’s insistence on acknowledging the uniqueness of each family member and their order within a constellation resonates with Erickson’s deep commitment to the individual in therapy.
Final Thoughts
On Life & Other Paradoxes is a companion to keep returning to. Its stories remind us that healing begins with seeing what is and with allowing life to speak in its own voice. It cultivates quiet presence by inviting the reader to slow down, notice, and let meaning emerge. If you’re willing to sit with its puzzles and paradoxes, this small volume can enrich not only your appreciation of Hellinger’s legacy but also your capacity to meet life’s complexities with humility, curiosity, and grace.
