May Book of the Month

 

 

Cloé Madanes has long been an important figure in the field of strategic family therapy, and in Changing Relationships she offers a guide to some of her most influential interventions. Drawn from decades of work with individuals, couples, and families, this book is not a theoretical treatise but a hands-on playbook. It brims with inventive therapy and interesting case examples.

Core Strategies, Core Needs, Core Truths

The book is organized into three sections, beginning with Part I, Core Strategies for Real Change. This section introduces a variety of interventions based on Madanes’ clinical experience. She outlines strategies such as reframing, shifting family roles, using paradoxical techniques, working with communication patterns that often reflect deeper emotional conflicts, and exploring stages of emotional and spiritual development.

In one example she discusses pretending as a therapeutic tool for children. If a child is routinely labeled the “troublemaker,” Madanes might invite the siblings to take turns being “bad” for a week. This playful reframe helps everyone see the situation differently and can reveal underlying tensions, such as parental conflict or misaligned roles in the family.

Another example from this section focuses on restoring balance in the family hierarchy. When children take on adult-like roles, often because a parent is overwhelmed, Madanes suggests a counterintuitive but effective intervention: asking the child to give advice on how the parents might be happier. This not only reveals the child’s emotional awareness, but also allows parents to respond and reassert their role as caregivers. When parents act on the child’s suggestions, they show they are attentive and capable, which helps shift the dynamic back to its natural order. As a result, the child is relieved of unnecessary responsibility, and the family bond becomes stronger.

Part II, Assessing Who We Are - Alone and Together, introduces the Human Needs Quiz, a self-assessment adapted from Madanes’ collaboration with Tony Robbins. The quiz helps people recognize which core needs (such as certainty, love and connection, or significance) most strongly influence their behavior and how those needs impact their relationships. For example, someone motivated by certainty may prioritize control and predictability, which can lead to tension if their partner values flexibility and adventure. A person whose dominant need is significance might seek recognition or validation, sometimes creating emotional distance in their relationships.  By making these motivations visible, the quiz becomes a valuable tool for both clinicians and clients, offering insight into patterns and promoting greater empathy.

Part III, The 14 Habits of Highly Miserable People, closes the book with a sense of humor and insight. This short, satirical essay offers a playful yet revealing look at the unconscious behaviors people often use to keep themselves unhappy. Originally published in Psychotherapy Networker and AlterNet, the piece encourages readers to reflect on habits like holding grudges, focusing only on what is wrong, or resisting joy.

Creative Interventions for Real Emotions

Madanes writes as a seasoned clinician deeply attuned to the human condition. Her style combines clinical clarity with warmth, often using humor, vivid case examples, and emotionally resonant dialogue. She tells stories with openness and doesn’t shy away from the absurd or paradoxical when it serves therapeutic change.

For example, in one case she directs a client who harbors hatred for her ex-husband to set aside 20 minutes every morning to focus on those thoughts exclusively. The goal is not catharsis but containment…and, eventually, absurdity. The exercise becomes so extreme that the emotion dissipates. It’s a classic example of turning a symptom into the agent of its own transformation.

Echoes of Erickson

Although Changing Relationships is rooted in Madanes’ own strategic and systemic approach, her work is shaped by Milton H. Erickson’s therapeutic legacy. This is something she acknowledges directly and reflects on throughout. Madanes names Erickson as “probably the best-known master” of prescribing metaphoric challenges, citing his use of vivid imagery like “climbing a mountain” or “enduring the desert sun” to help clients reframe and transform their struggles.

In the Ericksonian spirit, Madanes develops her own version of this practice in what she calls “prescribing the metaphor.” Instead of offering clients a story, she invites them to create their own by fictionalizing their dilemma and scripting a resolution. It’s a collaborative, imaginative process that turns narrative into a tool for therapeutic insight.

Erickson’s essence is also present in her use of indirect suggestion, paradoxical interventions, and her characteristic humor. Whether helping a client contain their hatred through daily rituals or using absurdity to disarm emotional rigidity, Madanes relies on creativity, respect for the unconscious, and a deep trust in the client’s ability to change from within.

Final Thoughts

Changing Relationships is more than a guide to interventions…it’s an invitation to think differently about how change happens. Madanes brings warmth, wit, and experience to every page, offering strategies that are both practical and inspired. Whether you're a therapist looking to expand your toolkit or a coach seeking new ways to support clients, this book delivers insight without pretense. It’s a compelling reminder that even entrenched relational patterns can shift when you apply the right mix of intention, creativity, and human connection.