August Book of the Month

Reflecting on Relationships: Jerry M. Lewis, M.D.’s Insights for Therapists

In “Reflections on Relationships with Self and Others” (2009), Jerry M. Lewis, M.D., a seasoned psychiatrist and psychotherapist, invites readers into his lifetime of clinical wisdom. Lewis, who passed away in 2021, left behind more than six decades of contributions to the field. He was known for his work at the Timberlawn Psychiatric Research Foundation in Dallas, where he studied families, marriages, and the ways people grow or stagnate. Both a careful researcher and a compassionate clinician, he had a gift for blending scientific understanding with lived human experience.

For 15 years, Lewis’s essays appeared in “Psychiatric Times”, where he shared observations and personal reflections from his practice. Forty-one of those essays are collected in this book, offering readers a look at the range of his interests. Sometimes he writes about new discoveries in brain science or medication; at other times he reflects on the struggles, doubts, and hopes of his patients.

The book is organized into three broad parts: Part I looks inward at the self; Part II turns to relationships with others; and Part III reflects on the practice of psychotherapy.

Part I: The Self

Lewis opens with an essay where he poses a playful question to his wife: “How many selves do you think you have?” Her answer, four, leads him to a deeper exploration of whether we are truly one coherent self or a collection of selves that shift with the situations and people around us. For him, maturity is not about ironing out all the contradictions that come with existing; it is about learning to accept and live with them.

In ‘Internal Contradictions and Doubt’, Lewis moves into a meditation on doubt and certainty. Endless doubt can leave a person unable to act; rigid certainty can shut down dialogue. Yet when held in balance, doubt can nurture empathy and openness, while certainty, tempered with humility, can offer steadiness.

Other essays in this section explore how people endure and sometimes even grow through adversity. Some draw strength from established belief systems; others rebuild their worldview in the aftermath of loss. In these stories, therapy emerges not as a cure for suffering but as a space where meaning can be discovered and resilience can take root. Taken together, the essays in Part I invite the reader to see the self as layered and dynamic. We are all full of contradictions that, when accepted, can become a source of strength rather than a flaw to be corrected.

Part II: Relationships That Heal

The paradoxes we hold within ourselves do not remain private; they spill over into our narratives, ways of being, and ultimately the ways we connect with others. Lewis reminds us that both healing and hurt can happen in relationships and that each person shapes the process.

In his essay ‘Repeat or Repair?’, Lewis builds on the idea that patterns shaping our everyday relationships often reappear between therapist and client. What makes for effective therapy is developing the ability to notice when ‘harmful’ patterns are being replayed. When these patterns are in action during therapy, the conditions for a new ending can be created. This offers clients the experience of connection restored and the possibility of carrying other ways of relating into life beyond the therapy office.

In ‘Narrative Identity and Turning Points’, Lewis explores how our sense of self is shaped by the evolving stories we tell about ourselves, our families, and our place in the world. These narratives shift at turning points such as a loss, a success, or a moment of deep connection. The way we frame life events can influence whether we feel diminished or strengthened by experience. In therapy, Lewis argues, often the aim is to help people tell their story in a way that fosters healing and growth.

This exploration of relationships leads naturally into Part III, where Lewis reflects on the practice of psychotherapy. Here he considers the art of listening, the challenges of clinical stalemates, and the significance of remaining present when the path ahead is unclear.

Part III: The Art of Psychotherapy

In essays like To Hear the Cry of Bats and Moments of Revelation, Lewis shows how the therapist’s ability to truly notice — to listen closely, watch carefully, and sense what lies beneath the surface — can open the door to breakthroughs. Additionally, these writings demonstrate how empathy must be balanced with a clear grasp of the inner workings of human behavior. For Lewis, these skills all work together to help the patient obtain new insight.

Several works in Part III focus on Lewis’ therapy with people facing aging, cognitive decline, or the end of life. In ‘Therapy with a Friend with Dementia’, Lewis reflects on personal and professional boundaries, asking what it means to offer meaningful support in this situation when the friend’s/patient’s memory and identity are slipping away.

In Dying with Friends Revisited and ‘Stepping on the Oxygen Tube’, Lewis considers the intimate, often complicated work of being with friends/patients who are nearing the end of life. Rather than centering therapy on helping someone maintain a sense of control, these essays emphasize the act of simply being there to witness and share in the patient’s experiences. He considers how this kind of therapy can help surface unspoken fears, ease feelings of isolation, and make space for moments of connection that matter in the face of impending loss.

Human suffering, Lewis reminds us, cannot be reduced to a single cause. Biology, psychology, relationships, and culture all play a part. And what the therapist brings into the room in attention, empathy, and perspective, shapes the work as much as any technique. For Lewis, good therapy holds space for all this complexity and honors the singular path a patient’s healing may take.

Ericksonian Resonances

Readers familiar with Milton H. Erickson may notice some shared spirit. Both value pragmatism over rigid theory and focus on what actually helps people heal. Lewis’s reflections on narrative identity echo Erickson’s use of reframing, since both encourage people to shape stories that foster growth rather than cling to “objective” truth. His emphasis on the uniqueness of each therapeutic relationship also resonates with Erickson’s commitment to flexibility when tailoring treatment approaches.

Final Reflections

In the end, Lewis’s book is less about providing answers and more about encouraging exploration of the questions that make therapy alive and unpredictable. What allows some people to grow through adversity while others are undone by it? How do our personal histories shape the way we listen, interpret, and respond as therapists? When the stories we tell ourselves no longer fit, how do we help write new ones without imposing our own? And perhaps the most challenging of all: how do we remain fully present to another person’s suffering without turning away, defending ourselves, or rushing to tidy it into something more comfortable?

“Reflections on Relationships with Self and Others” is a reminder that therapy is not simply a set of techniques…it is a lifelong dialogue with the complexity of the human experience.