Posts Tagged ‘LICSW’

Diplomacy By Henry Close, Th. M.

AURORA

My friend Kevin’s 5-year-old granddaughter is known for her dramatic snits, which can be of epic proportions. Once, when he was visiting, she was in the midst of an exceptional performance: cringing under a table, clutching her blanket, sobbing with periodic outbursts of saying “NO!” or “GO AWAY!” All efforts by her parents to end the drama were equally futile.

After her parents left for an appointment, Kevin decided to try his hand. He wanted to engage Aurora in a way that did not demand a response. Standing in the doorway to the living room where her older sister was playing, he told a story loud enough for Aurora to hear.

“Once upon a time, two musicians were hiking in the meadows of upstate New York. Suddenly, they heard a beautiful sound in the distance. It sounded like an animal roaring, and it was rich, melodic, and lovely: ‘ROOOO…A…A…A…AR.’

As the two hikers stepped into a clearing, they saw a magnificent beast — a stunning white dinosaur, holding its head high and filling the air with music! It slowly nodded as the two men approached. One of them spoke quietly: ‘You know, you have a beautiful voice. In fact, I think it is the loveliest roar I have ever heard, even nicer than from animals that have had singing lessons. I think you could have a career as an opera singer, but there is one problem. When you sing opera, you can’t just sing ‘ROAR.’ An opera singer must also sometimes sing ‘AH.’ The dinosaur nodded its head and gave it a try: ‘AH…AH!’ The musicians nodded their heads, ‘Very good. Now try it again.’ ‘AH…ROAR…AH!” “AH…ROAR…. AH!’” By this time, Kevin was singing fortissimo to his granddaughters. He glanced down, and there was Aurora wistfully looking up at him and smiling. He nonchalantly continued: “I never did learn the dinosaur’s name, but I know she sang a couple of times at the opera house. When she was taking her bows, someone in the audience threw her a bouquet of flowers, and she caught them in her mouth. Then she ate them.

TOMMY My friend, Lettie Mohammed, once noticed a young boy in the corner, flailing his arms as his mother tried to corral him. “Come on, Tommy — we’ve got to go! We’re late already.” Tommy showed no interest in going anywhere. Lettie immediately sized up the situation and said, “Tommy just wants to stay in here where all the pretty ladies are!” Tommy glared at her. “If he stays in here long enough, we can all give him a kiss!” With that, Tommy grabbed his mother’s arm. As she was being pulled out the door, she lamented. “He won’t even let me kiss him!” There are at least three principles implicit in these interventions: (1) Nobody loses face when a power struggle is defused rather than crushed; (2) Cooperation is better than obedience, and there are many ways to enlist it; (3) If you don’t mind making a fool of yourself, you can have a lot of fun in life!

Commentary By Eric Greenleaf, PhD

When teaching therapists Ericksonian approaches, remember: If it works with children, it’s likely to work with adults. Similar to the work of Rogers – Carl or Mister – the three principles exemplified by Henry Close, as he brings the power of loving interaction to the world of families, is elegant and effective.

What Is Your IQ? By: Henry Close, Th.M. Atlanta, GA

A friend’s son met a woman on a trip to Hong Kong and they fell madly in love. She moved to the United States and the couple lived together as they planned their wedding. The woman soon discovered, to her horror, that her fiance was extremely critical and verbally abusive. He rationalized these ways of treating her, and as he was very intelligent (and very proud of it) he could always talk her into accepting his logic.

The young woman felt trapped. She wanted to marry him for many reasons but did not want to be treated as he was treating her. She complained to her future mother-in-law, who totally supported her. But, alas, the son had never taken seriously anything his mother said. At that point, the mother asked for my advice.

I offered a few suggestions, and then composed the following story for the young woman. I “invented” a book in which this “Tale of Oriental Wisdom” appeared, and “invented” a publishing house to accompany it. I used the Japanese version of my name: Kurosu San Ga (San Ga is an honorific and Kurosu is Close) as author and editor of the book. The story went like this:

“After being married only a few months, the young bride was exceedingly unhappy. Her husband would frequently criticize her viciously over the slightest thing that displeased him-the table was not set properly, there was a wrinkle in the clothes she had washed. His attacks became more and more angry and more and more intimidating for the young bride.

“It was only when the young woman packed her bags to return to her father that the husband was willing to consult with the wise elder at the temple. The wise one greeted them with a courteous bow and the young woman described her unhappiness at her husband’s verbal attacks.

“The husband replied respectfully, ‘O wise one, my wife is exaggerating. Besides, she knows I mean nothing by it. I am only blowing off steam.’

‘I see,’ said the wise one. He thought for a moment and then asked, ‘Tell me, what is your Q?’ ‘It is one hundred forty, O Respected ‘ ‘Then you are very intelligent,’ the wise one replied. ‘You are more intelligent than I. But I do not understand an intelligent man damaging an important relationship over things that are trivial.’ The husband had no answer.

“The wise one turned to the wife. ‘My dear, you must understand that there is a difference between intelligence and wisdom. Intelligence refers to one’s capacity for wisdom. Wisdom has to do with the ways in which one actually lives. Your husband is very young now and it often takes time for wisdom to develop. When your husband’s wisdom approaches his intelligence, he will understand that your love is a gift to him rather than something to which he is entitled.

‘When his wisdom approaches his intelligence, he will look quietly for solutions rather than complain loudly about problems.

‘Now go in peace, both of you.  Do not speak for the remainder of the day, but meditate on these words.’

“The young couple faithfully obeyed the wise one and did not speak. But they did meditate on the words of the wise one.

“Several months later, the husband once again spoke angrily to his wife. No longer intimidated, she looked into his eyes with love and confidence and asked, ‘Tell me, my husband, what is your I.Q?'”

From: Tales of Oriental Wisdom, pp 76. Kurosu San Ga, editor. 1972. Orient Publishers, Hong Kong. (Adapted from “What is Your IQ?” The Journal of Pastoral Care, Winter 2001.  Used by permission.)

The Wonderfully Terrible Burden By Richard Landis, Ph.D.

A common theme that I remember Erickson discussing during our time together was his fascination with how the unconscious was able to use current events and experiences to conjure past learnings.

I experienced this first hand during my second session with Matt, a ten-year-old boy, and his parents. Matt, an only child was going to have to redo the fourth grade because of poor grades. Matt had felt like an outsider in the fourth grade and had no motivation to do school work. The thought of repeating the fourth grade again after “flunking” made him feel even less motivated. His parent tried “everything.” Unfortunately, each parent felt that his or her strategy-of-choice had been good enough to motivate each of him or her as a child, so it should motivate Matt. Their unyielding assumption was that if their strategy did not work, the problem was in Matt, not the appropriateness of the strategy.

To adapt a key concept from Ellyn Bader’s work with couples: “A lot of times, [parents] are so invested in the other person changing that they don’t want to look at themselves.” I had to take it easy since both parents had a history of taking their son out of therapy if the therapist demanded that the parents change.

It was during the second session that I remembered how Erickson would talk to us as a group when he wanted to avoid triggering a specific person’s self-protections. In that memory, I heard Erickson tell us his classic story about the parents who could not stop their seven-year-old daughter from sucking her thumb.

In that story Erickson told the daughter that she was about to reach a milestone in her life, her eighth birthday. Erickson instructed the daughter to enjoy sucking her thumb and to memorize it because after her eighth birthday, she will have passed the age of thumb-sucking and move onto more interesting things that are more appropriate for an eight year old. By giving the instructions in the presence of the parents, Erickson was indirectly challenging the parents’ assumptions that they had to change the daughter.

Change was a natural part of life. If you let it, the mind moves forward by itself. And at the same time, the communication to the daughter affirmed that the parents were not the targets of change. (For a verbatim account of this story, see Zeig, J., A Teaching Seminar With Milton H. Erickson, Brunner/Mazel, NY, 1980.)

With echoes of Erickson’s words in my head, I addressed Matt, “I am so very glad that your parents brought you in to see me at this time. If they had waited until your eleventh birthday in six weeks, you would have taken care of the problem yourself and I would not have been able to get any of the credit.”

I told Matt about the significant brain changes that naturally occur as we grow. “One of the most significant changes occurs at the age of eleven when the nerve connections between the right and left sides of your brain become insulated. Nerve signals move quicker and more effectively. At that time, we are better able to see old things with new eyes. And along with this wonderful gift comes a terrible burden. [Long dramatic pause].”

I remembered that Matt had said that he had longed for a younger brother so he could “show him how it was done.” With that in mind, I continued, “Matthew, in returning to the fourth grade, you will be going through this change before others in your class do. This means that your classmates will naturally want to look up to you as a role model. It will be as though you are the older brother that leads the way, showing the younger brothers how to do it right. While you will have the advantage of being familiar with what your teacher is presenting, your mind will be different and you will have to learn it ‘brand new’ as an eleven-year-old who has had the brain-change.”

“Before you turn eleven, I want you to memorize how it feels to not want to do homework and to not be particularly interested in learning. You need to remember how this felt so you can let your classmates know that you understand how some of them might feel. You used to feel that way yourself before you had the brain-change.”

I continued for twenty-five minutes, repeating the same message in many different permutations. Within the first ten minutes, Matt and his parents were in a comfortable trance state, hearing future-pictures described of Matt moving forward on his own.

That was the last session I had with Matt. His father called to cancel the next session because Matt “discovered” that he got his “brain-change” early, and started taking an interest in schoolwork. They no longer needed my services.

I met the parents two years later for some couple counseling. They reported that Matt had been successful academically and socially in both the fourth and now in the fifth grade. The parents said that they wished that they had known about the brain-change earlier so they would not have had to work so hard to get him to do his work.